I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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