Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I will pee on everything he values.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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