Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
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I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
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It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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