Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
