JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
