I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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