I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
