If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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