my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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