Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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