I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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