My liver just broke up with me...
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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