Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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