i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
