My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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