remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
