So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
