I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I need to align my fucking chakras
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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