nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
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