even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Can you bring me the toilet please
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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