No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
