i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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