You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i need an iv and a liver transplant
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Randomize
