Three words: puerto rican gang bang
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
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