Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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