Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
