You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
