dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
