I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
