We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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