Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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