cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
