and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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