omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
