I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
