new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
