I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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