Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
