I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
