Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
