I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
