i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
