Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
