my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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