we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
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I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
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The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese