I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
There are leaves in my underwear?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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