if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize