I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
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they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
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I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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