he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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