Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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