nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
