Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
