Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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