Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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