4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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