Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
